


Hell To Heaven by Dazzer

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 00:57:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/792186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim contemplates the loss of another lover.  Blair helps him cope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell To Heaven by Dazzer

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for "Love Kills".

## Hell To Heaven

by Dazzer

Author's webpage: <http://www.angelfire.com/ga4/garett/senslash.htm>

* * *

**HELL TO HEAVEN**  
by Dazzer 

Ellison sat at his desk filling out one more form, one more little bit of red tape to wrap around the body of a former lover. He stopped typing for a moment to rub his temples; his head was throbbing, but he knew he couldn't really do anything about it until he got home. And God he wished he could get out of this place and get home. Home, where he could relax, have a beer, lay his head back and mourn his lost love and former life. 

He was so confused about how he felt about Lila. On the one hand it broke his heart to think that she was dead. For such a long time she had been a fond memory, something to think about on those long, lonely nights. Nights when he wanted to push away the bad memories - bombings and dead bodies, the helicopter crash and burying his friends, psychos running through the streets of Cascade, his failed marriage to Carolyn and every other thing he'd ever screwed up. He could lay in bed at night and think about Lila and their time in Bali, fantasize about her legs wrapped around his waist, her nails digging into his back, her face as he made her come. 

Of course, until he had bumped into her on the street, his fantasies had been moving in a decidedly different direction. A direction that involved a certain irritating, talkative, but extremely loveable anthropologist. More often than not, he would lay in bed and dream about Blair's legs over his shoulders, nails digging into the mattress, his face as he made him come. 

But back to Lila. How did he feel about her now? He'd had such a hard time believing that she could be a killer when Blair had forced him to face his sensory spikes and what was causing them. But face it he had and it had been surprisingly easy in his orderly little mind to readjust his feelings for her. She was a killer, and a particularly ruthless and prolific one. So his feelings had changed, even after the night they had just spent together. Still, she had given her life to save his and that was something he would never forget. 

So Jim finished what was left of his paperwork and managed to sneak out the door before Captain Banks yelled for him one more time. Now he could get home, take something for his headache and see Blair. Just thinking about it made him smile to himself. 

He knew that some of his friends would be shocked to know that he thought of another man the way he thought of Blair, but that made him smile to himself too. Jim had learned at a pretty early age that you take love, or sometimes just comfort, where you find it since you don't always get it at home. 

But since Blair had never given any indication that he was interested in Jim in any other way than studying his senses, Jim had never pursued anything with Blair. God knows, he was good at pushing those feelings down, he'd been doing it most of his life. Some people called it repression, but he preferred to think of it as good sense. 

As he pulled into the parking lot for home Jim could feel his headache easing, just because he knew Blair was there. He could hear Blair in the kitchen fixing dinner for the two of them - smelled like chicken. Blair was always so good about fixing comfort food when he knew the day had gone bad for Jim. And he broke out in a big smile again. 

"Get yourself under control Ellison," Jim thought as he stepped onto the elevator. "Don't let him think you're too happy just to see him." It just doesn't pay to let people know what you're really thinking, only gets you hurt. Besides, the music coming out of the second floor apartment as he rode past was making his head pound again. 

"Hey Chief, smells like you've been busy since you got home." 

Blair looked over at Jim, the concern showing in his eyes. "Hey Jim. How are you? You don't look like you feel so good." 

"It's just the usual headache chief, no big deal." And with that, Jim flopped down on the couch, leaned his head back and began massaging his temples. 

"You know Jim, I just read about this herbal remedy, let me put it together for you. According to my buddy who sent it to me, it's just awesome how fast it works." 

But Jim was already shaking his head no as usual. "I don't think so Chief. I just want to sit here quietly with my eyes closed." 

He thought for a minute that it might have worked, that maybe this time Blair would just let him lay there and feel sorry for himself for a bit. But he was wrong. He could feel Blair watching him and he knew as soon as he opened his eyes Sandburg would be right there trying to help and not understanding why Jim wouldn't let him. He let out a deep sigh, opened his eyes and looked directly at Blair. Trying to keep the irritation out of his voice, but failing as he always did, he simply said, "What?" 

"Maybe if you talked about it, it would help." Even as he spoke Blair knew that there was no point. They'd had similar conversations in the past and they always ended up the same way. //Hell,// he thought, //you know he's not the kind of man who can just tell you how he feels. He wouldn't tell his ex-wife, you know he never could tell his dad, but oh yeah, he's going to open up to you, 'cuz you're so much more special than everyone else in his life is. Get a grip Sandburg.// 

"There's nothing to talk about Sandburg, I'm fine!" 

"Oh, of course not. I forgot, everything's fine, you're always fine, '100%', you could never possibly be anything less, not like some mere mortal who hurts when a lover betrays them," Blair spat out. 

Jim just looked at Blair in shock. He wasn't used to Blair talking back to him like that. Now he sounded so much like Carolyn in that last year of the hell they called their marriage. It was so different from the early days of their partnership when Blair would look at him with that mixture of awe and hero worship. He really missed those days. //God,// he thought, //I am such a pathetic fuck.// 

He sighed again. Why couldn't Blair understand, why couldn't any of them understand, that he just couldn't do it? He couldn't talk about those things. He'd never, ever been able to. Sometimes he desperately wished he could, wished he could be as open and honest about his feelings as other people were. Wished he could tell his mom he was sorry he had let her down so bad that she had to leave him and his little brother. Wished he could tell his dad he was sorry he was a freak. Wished he could tell Carolyn he was sorry he'd fucked up their marriage. But he just didn't work that way. And no one ever seemed to understand or care. No one ever took the time to try and figure out why he didn't volunteer information, why he didn't like to show his emotions, why he didn't trust people enough. 

But then, why should they bother? It wasn't like he could explain that to anyone either. So what he said was, "You know Chief, I really don't need the nagging right now. If I wanted that I would have stayed married to Carolyn." 

"That's real nice Jim. Way to treat a friend. Make sure you twist that knife while you're pushing it in. Then when I join the ranks of the people who quit asking how you feel, who you think don't care about you, you can feel even sorrier for yourself. Don't you ever get tired of beating yourself up, of shutting everyone out while you do it? Because I'm damned tired of watching it." With that, Blair went back into the kitchen to finish fixing dinner. 

After a few minutes of banging pans and plates and the occasional cabinet door Blair announced that dinner was ready. "Eat something, it might make your headache go away." 

"Thanks," Jim said as he sat down at the table. There was a long pause while he got his plate ready and then he mumbled, "sorry, I shouldn't have compared you to Carolyn." 

"No, you shouldn't have. First of all, I DO NOT nag and secondly my legs aren't near as nice." 

It took a moment for Blair's whole statement to register, but when it did Jim looked over and saw the slight smile on his face. He grinned back and said, "Oh I don't know, they're a lot hairier, but pretty nicely shaped." He paused as Blair put his glass to his mouth and then added, "Tits are smaller though." 

Laughing while they cleaned up the mess Blair had made, Jim realized that he'd been let off the hook once again. Too bad there wasn't some way he could tell Blair how much he appreciated that. Maybe he could just show him. Yeah right, like he wouldn't just run screaming from the apartment. 

As Jim settled back down on the couch, Blair asked, "So how's the headache?" 

"Hmmm? Oh fine, it's gone now. Thanks." 

"Do you think this one was still related to Lila and the knife?" 

"You do realize that this isn't going to work, don't you?" 

"I know. I've moved on from advanced 'trying to get Jim to talk about how he feels' to elementary 'friendly concern.' Okay?" 

"Okay, as long as you know." 

"Believe me, I know, I know." 

Jim hesitated a moment before starting. 

"There was that spike when she first pulled the knife out and it started then, but then there were all the noises at the scene, with the gun shots and the sirens and people yelling and running and then the smells were kind of intense." 

Jim had his eyes closed as he was reliving the scene once again. Blair just sat and let him remember. He knew that as much as Jim fought about sharing his feelings, little bits would dribble out if he wasn't pushed too much. He'd never really tell anyone exactly what he felt, but if Blair was patient he'd sometimes get close to the truth. The problem was, he could never wait for the patient part. He always had to push first and then when Jim pushed him back he'd finally remember the direct approach didn't work. 

"Blood and sweat and gun powder and bodily fluids. You know dead bodies really stink. Decay sets in so quickly and that has an odor all of it's own." He paused for a moment and closed his eyes against the memories. "I can still smell the leather of her jacket from when I held her while she died." Jim put his fingertips to his lips. "I can still taste her lipstick when she kissed me before she ran out to be the decoy and got killed." 

"She must have really cared for you." 

"I don't think that was it. I mean, I don't think she wanted me to die or anything, but I think mostly she just didn't want to go to prison. And she was convinced that she would die anyway. She knew they would find her somehow and kill her so she might as well just get it over with." 

"I don't think that's all there was to it. She wouldn't have come here the other night if she hadn't felt something for you." 

At that Jim grinned and jumped up from the couch. 

"Nah, it's just because I'm such a good fuck. I'm going to take a shower and go to bed. Thanks for dinner and . . . you know," and he waved vaguely around the apartment. 

"Yeah, I know. You're welcome. See you in the morning." 

And Blair sat and watched as Jim walked into the bathroom and wondered, not for the first time, how he'd gotten so tangled up in this man's life and just when he was going to find out for himself how good of a fuck Jim really was. 

A few weeks later, Blair still couldn't get the image of Jim fucking him out of his mind. He wished he'd never put it there to begin with. It was making the rest of his life almost impossible. He'd be in the middle of a conversation and he'd suddenly flash on Jim and the next thing he'd know he was kind of light-headed and the person he was talking to would be asking him if he was okay, telling him he was flushed and maybe he better sit down before he passed out. Or he'd be out with some girl and she'd put her hand on his shoulder and he'd think about Jim touching him and she'd think the way his body reacted had something to do with her. "Ooh, is that for me?" Not that he minded the sex. It wasn't like he asked girls out that he didn't want to sleep with, but somehow it seemed kind of cheap and unfair. 

Then one day he decided he just had to do something about it. He didn't really want to mess up the friendship, but damn it, life just could not go on like this. He was fairly certain Jim wanted him. Jim touched him all of the time, which when he thought about it was pretty incongruous with someone who couldn't talk about their feelings, and it seemed like every other time Blair turned around Jim was parading around the apartment half naked and even if he couldn't think of any other reasons right at the moment, the fact that Blair wanted Jim was enough to make him sure that he was right. And God help a Sentinel when his guide decided he was in love. 

"Jim, I'm going to say something here that you're not going to like, but I want you to trust me. Okay?" 

Jim opened his mouth to speak . . . 

"Yes Jim, I know coming from me those are the 'two scariest words in the English language'. You know, you really need to work on your sparkling repartee and start coming up with some new put downs." 

"That wasn't what I was going to say." 

"Oh. What were you going to say?" 

"I don't know, something original and witty like 'okay, what is it'?" 

"Oh." 

"That's very sparkling." 

"God, you are such a pain in the ass sometimes. Will you shut up and let me talk here?" 

"Good, now we've resorted to personal insults. That's very high up there on the repartee meter. I'm so lucky to live with someone who's so good with language, being so unoriginal when it comes to insults myself." 

"Fuck you." 

"Ooh, that's a good one." 

"Maybe I should rephrase it then . . . I want to fuck you." 

"Oh." 

"That's very original and witty. And I'm pretty sure you want to fuck me too." 

"Oh." 

"My, my, aren't we the articulate one. So am I right, do you want to fuck me?" 

Jim's mouth quirked into a smile. 

"Oh Sandburg I want to do so much more to you than just fuck you." 

And then Blair was smiling back. 

"Oh really, like what?" 

But Jim just closed the space between the two of them, took Blair in his arms and began kissing him. And while his hands were roaming over Blair's back and he was moving from kissing Blair's mouth to kissing his jaw line and down his neck, Jim began whispering all of the things he wanted to do to Blair and all of the things he wanted Blair to do back to him. Jim's warm breath on his neck was driving Blair wild and he felt himself getting light-headed and Jim looked at him and grinned and said, "maybe you better sit down, you're looking awfully flushed." 

Instead of letting go of Blair though he pulled him in tighter and slipped his thigh between Blair's legs and then said, "Ooh, is that for me?" 

Blair just nodded his head and pulled Jim in for another breath stealing kiss. He was sure there was probably something else he should be doing, something that might even be more fun than just kissing Jim, but for the life of him he just couldn't think what it would be. He could tell that Jim was unbuttoning his shirt because Jim's mouth was working its way down from his neck to his chest. He knew that there was some sort of response he should be giving, but all he could do now was let his head fall back and moan. And then Jim was back at his neck and his hands had moved into Blair's hair and Jim moved Blair's head back up and pulled his lips away. It took Blair a few seconds to focus in on Jim and in a whiney tone that he would later wonder where it had come from, Blair asked, "why'd you stop?" 

"Because we either need to move this to the couch or a bed, but I can't do anything else this way." 

"No. I don't want you to do anything else." 

"Are you sure, because I distinctly remember you saying something about wanting to fuck me and I'm pretty sure I remember you agreeing with all of the other things I proposed to do to you and I'm downright certain you also agreed to all of those things that I told you I wanted you to do to me, so what do you mean no?" And Jim realized his voice was getting a little high pitched there at the end and maybe even a bit girlie sounding, but he just couldn't help it. 

"Yes." 

"Yes, what?" 

"Yes I want to move this upstairs and yes I want you to do all of the things you promised to do and yes I want to do all those things to you, but I don't want you to stop doing this because this feels too good, but if we don't do something else soon I'm going to die from this feeling and I know I'm babbling and I can't stop but it's your fault because this feels so good. Oh My God." 

Jim had just latched on to Blair's neck again, but now he could tell he was being maneuvered over towards the steps and at least that was something positive towards doing all of those fun things that Jim had suggested. 

As they worked their way up the steps, still kissing and groping one another, Blair remembered one of Jim's whispered comments and since he was so proud of himself for actually remembering this important piece of information he just thought he ought to share it with Jim right at that moment because, after all, it had been Jim's idea. So grinning like the lust addled idiot he had recently become, he gently pushed Jim down onto the steps and ever so slowly moved down to open Jim's jeans. 

He knew he must be doing something right because they were already open so he ran his finger down the zipper, exerting just the slightest pressure, which got him the most wonderful groan from Jim and a look through those half closed eyes that made him shiver. And since he wanted to hear that lovely sound again he moved his mouth down and grabbed the zipper with his teeth and slowly pulled it down, and this time he was rewarded with a louder groan and a thrust of Jim's hips. 

Determined to get more noise and movement out of Jim, Blair began stroking Jim's dick and then moved his mouth down so he could lick and suck Jim into oblivion (Jim's words, not his). 

And even though there was that one moment where he almost lost Jim over the side of the staircase Blair was pretty pleased with himself. Jim's chest was glistening with sweat and his dick was glistening with cum. It was such a sensual image and when he looked up at Jim he got that beautiful, lazy, well and truly fucked Jim Ellison smile and he knew he had licked and sucked Jim into oblivion. 

Blair couldn't help but smile back because now it was his turn. He knew it wasn't going to be easy to get Jim back from oblivion and up and off of these stairs, but that could be part of the fun too. He moved back up Jim's body and kissed him with all the lust and passion he was feeling. As he moved back to take Jim's hand he could see a spark of life in those sated eyes. 

With a little struggle Jim managed to pull himself upright. He leaned forward and mouthed Blair's erection through the denim and then Blair realized he was once again whispering all of the things he wanted them to do. Blair felt his knees go weak but with a sudden burst of energy, Jim was up and had his arms holding Blair and they were working their way up the rest of the steps and to the bed. 

Jim had managed to get most of the rest of both of their clothes off by the time Blair's knees hit the bed. Blair's shirt was still hanging from his right wrist, where Jim just couldn't get the damn button on the cuff loose and Jim still had one white sock on, but neither one of them was going to let those little things bother them. 

And then he just had to smile again because Blair was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He looked so exotic to Jim, with his dark, wild hair and his sensual lips and those dark blue eyes with their impossibly long lashes that were looking at him in wonder. 

And his hands. Jim had always had a thing about hands. He liked long, slender fingers that he could hold and suck on and that would caress the side of his face like Blair was doing now and he sort of peripherally realized that Blair had managed to rid himself of that pesky shirt. Which was good because now his other hand was roaming over Jim's body and it felt so good to have those long, slender fingers tracing over his body and touching him in places that he hadn't been touched in years. 

He could feel himself surrendering to Blair as they moved onto the bed and he wondered if Blair realized the significance of this, of the fact that Jim rarely trusted another person enough to really let go. But he couldn't worry about that now. He had things to do and a lustful guide to please and he set about doing just that. 

Ever so slowly he ran his hands over Blair's body, never quite touching and yet setting Blair's skin on fire with need. As the frenzy of desire built between them while Jim slowly made love to Blair he closed his eyes and thought about all of the fantasies he'd had that involved this man and realized that not one of them came close to the real thing. 

And then he was moving Blair's legs to his shoulders and watching Blair's hands clutch at the sheets as he entered him and thrust back and forth and he opened his eyes and saw Blair looking back at him and realized that Blair did understand the significance. The last bit of reserve was gone and Jim was coming and Blair was coming with him and it was the most beautiful sight Jim had seen and he thought maybe, just maybe, he might be able to share a secret or two with this man. 

END 


End file.
